Grief support · sudden and traumatic loss
Therapy for traumatic grief and sudden loss
When someone dies suddenly or violently, grief arrives tangled with shock. There was no goodbye, and the way it happened can replay in your mind at night, or intrude when you try to remember the person's life. Traumatic grief asks for two kinds of care at once: care for the trauma and care for the loss. I offer both, paced to what you can hold.
Telehealth only, by secure video or audio, for people physically located in California. Laurie, LMFT.
What this work looks like with me
After a sudden death, many people describe feeling as though they are in a fog, or watching their own life from the outside. Some cannot stop picturing what happened, even if they were not there. Some find they cannot grieve at all, because the shock is still standing in the way. These are normal responses to an overwhelming event, and they can ease.
We begin with steadiness. Before we go anywhere near the hardest memories, we build ways for you to settle your body and mind when they are overwhelmed. That preparation matters, and I do not skip it. Somatic and mindfulness work help you come back to the present when the past floods in.
When you are ready, we can work directly with the traumatic memories. I am EMDR certified, and EMDR is often helpful for the images and moments that keep replaying after a traumatic death. The aim is not to erase the memory. It is to take down its charge, so that it no longer ambushes you, and so that the rest of the person's life, the years of love and ordinary moments, can come back into view.
As the trauma quiets, the grief itself usually comes forward. That is where we honor the person you lost, express what needs expressing, and slowly rebuild a life that includes peace and meaning again.
First we tend to the shock. Then the grief has room to arrive.
The way they died is not the whole story of their life.
Sudden losses people bring
Accidents
A car crash, a fall, a drowning, a workplace accident. Accidental deaths often leave loved ones with questions that have no answers, and with a world that suddenly feels less safe.
Suicide loss
Losing someone to suicide brings grief layered with shock, guilt, anger and the search for why. It is one of the hardest losses there is, and you deserve compassionate, unhurried support.
Overdose
Grief after an overdose can be complicated by years of worry, by stigma, and by the sense that you should have been able to prevent it. None of that makes your grief less deserving of care.
Violence
When someone is killed through violence, grief is compounded by trauma, anger and sometimes legal processes. We go carefully and at your pace.
Sudden illness
A heart attack, a stroke, an illness that took someone within days. Even a medical death can be traumatic when it comes without warning.
How we would work
We start with a free 20-minute consult by phone, text or video. You do not need to tell me the details of what happened. You can tell me roughly what you are carrying, and I will tell you honestly whether I think I can help. There is no pressure in that call and no obligation afterward.
If we go ahead, sessions are by secure video or audio anywhere in California, and you are already home when the session ends, which matters after difficult work. I draw on EMDR, somatic and mindfulness work, Internal Family Systems for the parts of you that are frozen, angry or blaming themselves, and expressive approaches for the grief that follows. We move at the speed your system can handle, and not faster.
- Intrusive images or memories after a death
- Shock, numbness and disbelief
- Guilt and self-blame after a sudden loss
- Grief after suicide, overdose or violence
- Anger at the circumstances or at others involved
- Fear, and a sense that the world is no longer safe
- Grief that cannot begin until the shock eases
Questions people ask about traumatic loss
- Do I have to talk about how they died?
- No, not in detail, and certainly not before you are ready. EMDR in particular does not require you to narrate the whole event. You can keep much of it inside while we work. Some people do want to tell the full story once, to someone who does not flinch, and there is room for that too.
- I keep thinking I could have stopped it.
- After a sudden death, the mind searches for a way it could have gone differently, because that feels more bearable than the randomness of what happened. Self-blame is extremely common, and it is usually not an accurate account of your responsibility. We look at it carefully and compassionately until it loosens its grip.
- How is traumatic grief different from other grief?
- All grief is painful. Traumatic grief adds features of trauma: intrusive memories, nightmares, avoidance of reminders, a heightened sense of danger. These can make it very hard to grieve, because every attempt to remember the person leads back to the trauma. Treating the trauma often opens the way for the grief.
- It has been years. Is it too late?
- No. Many people come to therapy years or even decades after a traumatic loss, when they realize they have been living around it rather than through it. The work can still help, and many people find real relief in finally being able to remember the person more fully.
If the way they died is still with you
You do not need to be sure what kind of help you need. Text or email and we will find a time to talk. If you are in crisis, call or text 988, or call 911. Telehealth only, by secure video or audio, for people physically located in California. Laurie, LMFT.