Grief support · anticipatory grief
Anticipatory grief and caregiving
Sometimes grief begins before a loss. A parent with dementia who no longer knows your name. A partner with a terminal diagnosis. An aging companion, human or animal, slipping away a little more each month. Anticipatory grief is the sorrow of watching someone you love decline, and it often arrives alongside the exhausting work of caring for them. I offer a place to set both down for an hour.
Telehealth only, by secure video or audio, for people physically located in California. Laurie, LMFT.
What this work looks like with me
Anticipatory grief is confusing because the person is still alive. You may feel guilty for grieving someone who is still here, or for imagining life after they are gone. You may swing between hope and dread several times a day. You may feel that you are losing them in pieces: their memory, their independence, the conversations you used to have. All of this is grief, and it deserves the same care as grief after a death.
If you are a caregiver, our sessions may be one of the few places where the focus is on you. Caregivers carry enormous practical loads and often feel they cannot complain, because the person they are caring for is suffering more. But caregiver exhaustion is real, and so are the resentment, loneliness and fear that often come with it. You can say all of it here without it meaning you love them any less.
We also think ahead, gently. What conversations do you want to have while there is still time? What would you like to say, or hear? What help could you accept? Some people find it meaningful to record stories, create something together, or simply sit with the person in new ways. Others need to protect their own energy. There is no right way, and we can work out what fits you.
When the death comes, you will not be starting from nothing. Grief that has been given room beforehand is often a little easier to carry afterward, and I am here for that part too.
You can grieve someone who is still here.
Caring for them includes caring for you.
Anticipatory grief often looks like
Dementia and memory loss
Losing someone while they are still physically present is one of the most painful forms of grief. The person you knew is changing, and the loss is ongoing and often unrecognized by others.
A terminal diagnosis
Once the future has a shape, every moment can feel precious and pressured at the same time. We make room for fear, hope, practical planning, and the wish to say what matters.
Caring for an aging parent
Appointments, medications, safety worries, sibling tensions, and your own life on hold. The role reversal of caring for a parent brings its own grief.
An animal in decline
Watching a beloved animal companion age or fall ill is a real anticipatory grief, often complicated by decisions about their care and their end.
How we would work
We start with a free 20-minute consult by phone, text or video. You tell me about the person you are caring for and what the days are like, and I tell you honestly whether I think I can help. There is no pressure in that call and no obligation afterward.
If we go ahead, sessions are by secure video or audio anywhere in California, which matters when leaving home is hard. Evening and Saturday times can fit around caregiving schedules. I draw on somatic and mindfulness work for stress that has nowhere to go, Internal Family Systems for guilt and resentment, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for living by your values in a hard season, and expressive approaches when words are not enough.
- Anticipatory grief before a death
- Caring for a parent or partner with dementia
- Caregiver exhaustion, guilt and resentment
- Terminal illness in someone you love
- Family conflict about care decisions
- Preparing for the conversations that matter
- Grief after the caregiving ends
Questions caregivers ask
- Is it normal to grieve someone who has not died?
- Yes. Anticipatory grief is a recognized and very common experience. When someone you love is declining, you are losing things now: shared memories, conversations, independence, the future you pictured. It makes sense to grieve those losses as they happen.
- I feel guilty for sometimes wishing it were over.
- Many caregivers have this thought and feel ashamed of it. It usually comes from exhaustion and from not wanting the person you love to keep suffering, not from a lack of love. Saying it out loud to someone who does not judge you often brings relief, and it makes room for the love that sits underneath.
- I do not have time for therapy on top of caregiving.
- That is understandable. Sessions are fifty minutes by video or audio, from wherever you are, and many caregivers find that this one hour a week helps them keep going. If a video call is too much on a given day, we can use audio.
- Will grieving now make it easier later?
- Not always, and not in a predictable way. Some people find that grieving beforehand helps them feel more prepared. Others find the death still arrives as a shock. Either way, having support in place before and after can make you feel much less alone.
You are carrying a lot
If you are caring for someone and quietly grieving at the same time, you deserve support too. Text or email and we will find a time to talk. Telehealth only, by secure video or audio, for people physically located in California. Laurie, LMFT.