Grief support · loss of a spouse or partner
Grief counseling after the loss of a spouse or partner
When a husband, wife or life partner dies, you lose the person and you lose the shape of your days. The one you would have called to tell about this is the one who is gone. Whether you were together for five years or fifty, married or not, the grief reaches into everything: your home, your routines, your finances, your friendships and your sense of who you are. You do not have to find your way through it alone.
Telehealth only, by secure video or audio, for people physically located in California. Laurie, LMFT.
What this grief work looks like with me
In the early months many people are simply trying to function. There are forms to fill in, calls to make, rooms that feel impossible to walk into. Our sessions can be a place to set all of that down for an hour and speak about the person you lost: how you met, what you loved, what was difficult, what you wish you had said. Nothing needs to be tidied up for my sake.
Losing a partner also brings a cascade of secondary losses that rarely get named. Friendships that were built as a couple may change. Holidays and anniversaries become hard to face. Decisions you used to make together are now yours alone. Some people lose financial security, a home, or the future they had planned for retirement. Each of these is a real loss, and we can give each its due.
Grief for a spouse is rarely simple. It can hold deep love and old frustrations, gratitude and anger, relief after a long illness and guilt about the relief. If the relationship was complicated, the grief will be too, and that is not a sign you are doing it wrong. Everything you feel is allowed here.
Over time, and at your own pace, the work turns toward what comes next. Not moving on, which grieving people are told far too often, but moving forward while carrying the love with you. That can include rediscovering who you are on your own, reconnecting with friends and interests, and, if and when you are ready, considering new relationships without feeling you are betraying the one you lost. Peace, joy and purpose can return.
You were a 'we' for so long. Becoming an 'I' again takes time.
Love does not end when a life does.
Every loss of a partner is different
After a long illness
Months or years of caregiving end, and with them the role that organized your life. Exhaustion and relief can arrive alongside the sorrow, and all of it belongs.
A sudden death
No goodbye, no preparation, and often a shock that takes months to wear off. When the way someone died is part of the pain, we work with that too, gently and at your pace.
Widowed young
Losing a partner in your twenties, thirties or forties can feel isolating, because few people your age understand. You may be grieving while raising children or building a career.
After a long marriage
Decades of shared life leave a very particular silence. Many people describe losing not only a spouse but a best friend, a keeper of shared history, and a way of being in the world.
A partnership others overlooked
If you were not married, or if others did not fully acknowledge your relationship, your grief may not have been given the respect it deserves. It is given that respect here.
How we would work
We start with a free 20-minute consult by phone, text or video. You tell me as much or as little as you want about your partner and what has happened, and I tell you honestly whether I think I can help. There is no pressure in that call and no obligation afterward.
If we go ahead, sessions are by secure video or audio anywhere in California, so you can meet from your own home without having to drive anywhere afterward. Grief is my primary specialty. I draw on what fits you: expressive work such as writing to the person you lost, somatic work for grief held in the body, Internal Family Systems for the parts of you that are struggling with guilt or anger, and EMDR when a death was sudden or traumatic (I am EMDR certified).
- Grief after the death of a husband, wife or life partner
- Loneliness and the loss of daily companionship
- Guilt, regret and unfinished conversations
- Anniversaries, holidays and first-year milestones
- Rebuilding identity and routines on your own
- Grief alongside practical and financial upheaval
- Thinking about new relationships, whenever that time comes
Questions people ask after losing a partner
- When will I start to feel like myself again?
- There is no set timetable, and anyone who gives you one is guessing. Many people find the second year harder than the first, once the fog lifts and the support around them fades. What I can tell you is that grief changes shape when it has somewhere to go. In our work we give it somewhere to go.
- Is it normal to feel angry at my partner for dying?
- Yes. Anger is one of the most common and least discussed parts of grief. You may be angry that they did not take care of their health, that they left you with so much to handle, or simply that they are gone. Anger does not cancel love. It often sits right beside it, and it is safe to say it here.
- People keep telling me it is time to move on.
- Well-meaning people often want you to feel better quickly, partly because your pain is hard for them to witness. That is their timetable, not yours. There is no deadline for grieving someone you built a life with. The goal is not to stop missing them. It is to find a way to live well while carrying the love.
- Can we talk about dating again?
- Yes, whenever you are ready, and not before. Some people feel drawn to companionship sooner than others expect, and some never want another partner. Both are fine. If thinking about someone new brings up guilt or loyalty to the person you lost, we can work through that together, so that whatever you decide comes from you.
You do not have to hold this alone
If the house has gone quiet and the days feel long, please reach out. Text or email and we will find a time to talk. Telehealth only, by secure video or audio, for people physically located in California. Laurie, LMFT.