Grief support · loss of a parent
Grief counseling after the loss of a parent
However old you are, losing a mother or father can shake the ground under you. A parent is often the last person who knew you from the very beginning. Even when the death was expected, even when the relationship was difficult, even when you are a capable adult with a full life of your own, the loss can reach places you did not expect. I work with adults grieving a parent, in whatever form that grief takes.
Telehealth only, by secure video or audio, for people physically located in California. Laurie, LMFT.
What this grief work looks like with me
Some people come to me grieving a parent they adored, whose absence has left a hole at the center of the family. Some come grieving a parent they struggled with for decades, and find that the death has not ended the struggle but changed its form. Many come with a mixture of both. Whatever your relationship was, your grief is welcome here in its true shape, not the shape other people expect.
The death of a parent often changes your place in the world. You may become the oldest generation, the one who hosts the holidays, the keeper of the family stories. Siblings may draw closer or fall apart over care decisions, estates and old rivalries. If you were a caregiver, you may be exhausted, and adjusting to days that are suddenly empty of appointments and responsibilities. We can make room for all of this.
When the relationship was painful, grief can be especially confusing. You may grieve the parent you had and also the parent you never got to have: the apology that never came, the repair that is no longer possible. That second grief is real and important. Working with it can bring a kind of peace that did not seem possible while they were alive.
The aim is not to close the book on your parent. It is to carry what was good, understand what was hard, and move into the next chapter of your own life with more freedom, peace and purpose, held in whatever framework is yours.
You never stop being someone's child.
You can grieve the parent you had and the parent you needed.
Losing a parent can look like
A long goodbye
Dementia, a slow decline, years of caregiving. You may have been grieving for a long time before the death itself, and the end can bring relief and sorrow in the same breath.
A sudden loss
A heart attack, an accident, a phone call you were not ready for. Without a chance to say goodbye, the grief can come with shock and a feeling of unfinished business.
A complicated relationship
Estrangement, old hurts, addiction, or simply a lifetime of misunderstanding. Grief after a difficult relationship is often layered, and it deserves patient care.
Losing both parents
When the second parent dies, many adults describe feeling orphaned, however old they are. The family home, traditions and sense of origin can all shift at once.
How we would work
We start with a free 20-minute consult by phone, text or video. You can tell me about your parent and what has been hardest, and I will tell you honestly whether I think I can help. There is no pressure in that call and no obligation afterward.
If we go ahead, sessions are by secure video or audio anywhere in California. Grief is my primary specialty. I draw on Internal Family Systems for the younger parts of you that are grieving too, expressive work such as letters and memory work, somatic work for grief the body is holding, and EMDR when a death or a childhood experience still carries a traumatic charge (I am EMDR certified). My own Positive Re-Narrative and Repatterning helps when old family patterns keep repeating in the present.
- Grief after the death of a mother or father
- Loss after years of caregiving
- Grief after a difficult or estranged relationship
- Family conflict around care, estates and decisions
- Becoming the oldest generation
- Grief for the parent you wished you had
- Losing a parent while raising your own family
Questions people ask after losing a parent
- Why is this hitting me so hard? I am an adult.
- Because the bond with a parent is one of the oldest bonds you have, and it lives in parts of you that are much younger than your adult self. Being capable and grown does not protect you from that. Many people are surprised by the depth of their grief, especially if they had prepared themselves or thought they had made peace with the relationship.
- I feel relieved as well as sad. Is that wrong?
- No. Relief is common after a long illness, after years of caregiving, or after a relationship that caused you pain. Relief and love can live side by side. Often relief is a sign of how much you were carrying, and it deserves to be understood rather than hidden.
- My siblings and I are grieving very differently.
- That is very common. Each child had a different relationship with the same parent, and grief follows the relationship. Differences in grieving can lead to conflict, especially around belongings, money and decisions. We can work on your own grief and on how to navigate your family with more understanding and less strain.
- Can I work on my relationship with my parent now that they have died?
- Yes. Relationships continue to change inside us after a death. We can work with unsaid words, with anger or longing, and with the parts of you still waiting for something from them. This kind of work can soften something that has been tight for a very long time.
Whatever your relationship was
If you are grieving a parent and finding it heavier than you expected, please reach out. Text or email and we will find a time to talk. Telehealth only, by secure video or audio, for people physically located in California. Laurie, LMFT.