Why the holidays are so hard
Holidays are built on repetition: the same foods, songs, rituals and people, year after year. When someone is missing, every one of those repetitions can become a reminder. The days leading up to a holiday are often harder than the day itself, as anticipation builds. None of this means your grief is going backward. It means you loved someone, and the calendar is asking you to notice their absence.
Plan ahead, gently
Decide in advance, as much as you can, what you want the holidays to look like. Which gatherings do you want to attend? Which would be too much this year? Who do you want to be with? Having a plan, even a simple one, can reduce the dread of the unknown. It is also fine to have a plan B, such as leaving a gathering early or stepping outside for air.
Change traditions if you need to
You do not have to do everything the way it has always been done. Some people find comfort in keeping traditions exactly the same. Others find that impossible and need to change the setting, the menu or the timing, or to skip certain events altogether this year. Neither is wrong. Traditions exist to serve people, not the other way around.
Include the person you miss
Many grieving people find it helps to make room for the one they have lost, rather than trying to get through the day without mentioning them. You might light a candle, set out a photograph, cook their favorite dish, share stories, write them a letter, or give a gift in their name. Saying their name out loud can be a relief for everyone, because others are often missing them too and are waiting for permission to say so.
Tell people what you need
Friends and family often want to help but do not know how. Tell them. 'I would love to talk about Dad at dinner.' 'Please do not ask how I am doing in front of everyone.' 'Could you come with me to the service?' Being specific makes it easier for people to support you well.
Grief that no one sees
The holidays can be especially painful for losses others do not recognize: estrangement from family, the loss of a pet, a divorce, childlessness, a first holiday after a diagnosis. If your grief is invisible to the people around you, find at least one person, or one place, where you can say it out loud.
Take care of the basics
Grief is exhausting, and the holidays add late nights, travel and rich food. Protect your sleep where you can, eat regularly, go easy on alcohol, and spend time outdoors. Build in quiet time. Say no to things you do not have the energy for. Taking care of your body is not selfish. It is how you get through.
Allow the unexpected
Grief includes joy and sorrow. You may find yourself laughing at a memory, enjoying a meal, or feeling close to the one you lost in a way that surprises you. Let those moments happen. They do not mean you have forgotten. They are part of how love continues.
When to reach out
If the holidays bring more than you can carry alone, or if grief has been heavy for a long time, it may help to talk with a grief therapist. If you are having thoughts of ending your life, please call or text 988 right away, or call 911.
This article is general information, not therapy or medical advice, and reading it does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you are in crisis, call or text 988, or call 911.