Specialty · family estrangement
Therapy for family estrangement
Family estrangement is far more common than most people realize, and it can leave invisible scars in the heart and psyche. Whether you chose the distance to protect yourself, or someone you love has pulled away from you, you are living with a loss that has no funeral and often no ending. I offer a place to heal from it, without judgment and without an agenda for how your story should turn out.
Telehealth only, by secure video or audio, for people physically located in California. Laurie, LMFT.
What this work looks like with me
People come to this work from very different places. Some have stepped away from a parent or sibling after years of harm and are finally free, but surprised by how much grief comes with the freedom. Some are parents whose adult child has stopped speaking to them, and who are bewildered, heartbroken and searching for what went wrong. Some are somewhere in between, with a relationship that is technically intact but emotionally empty. All of it is welcome here.
I do not come in with a view about whether you should reconcile. That decision belongs to you, and people have good reasons for choosing either path. My role is to help you understand what happened, grieve what was lost or never was, and find more peace, whatever the relationship looks like in the future.
Estrangement is often misunderstood by the people around you. Friends may push for reconciliation without knowing the history, or assume the fault lies with you. Holidays, weddings, illnesses and family events can bring the pain back sharply. We can prepare for those moments, and work on how you want to respond when others ask.
Underneath the particular story is often a longing for belonging: for being understood and accepted by the people who were supposed to love us most. That longing deserves care. Part of our work can be building belonging in the rest of your life, with chosen family, community, and a deeper relationship with yourself and whatever you hold as sacred.
You can love someone and still need distance from them.
Estrangement is a grief without an ending.
Estrangement can look like
Distance you chose
You stepped back from a parent, sibling or relative to protect your wellbeing. The decision may have been right and still hurt deeply. Guilt, doubt and grief often follow even necessary choices.
An adult child who has pulled away
Few experiences are as painful for a parent. We make room for your heartbreak, look honestly at the relationship, and think carefully about what, if anything, might help.
Sibling rifts
Conflict over a parent's care or estate, old rivalries, or lives that went in different directions can leave siblings estranged. These losses often surface at family milestones.
On-and-off contact
Some relationships cycle between closeness and silence. The uncertainty can be exhausting, and it is hard to grieve something that keeps changing.
How we would work
We start with a free 20-minute consult by phone, text or video. You tell me what has happened in your family, in as much or as little detail as you like, and I tell you honestly whether I think I can help. There is no pressure in that call and no obligation afterward.
If we go ahead, sessions are weekly to begin with, by secure video or audio anywhere in California. I draw on Internal Family Systems for the parts of you that still long, rage or doubt, EMDR for family experiences that still carry a traumatic charge (I am EMDR certified), somatic work for the body's memory of family stress, and my own Positive Re-Narrative and Repatterning for the family patterns you do not want to repeat. I also work with families, so if a reconnection becomes possible, everyone involved wants joint sessions, and everyone is physically in California, we can talk about whether that would help.
- Estrangement from a parent, adult child or sibling
- Grief and guilt after choosing distance
- Heartbreak when a family member has cut contact
- Getting through holidays, weddings and family events
- Deciding whether to reach out or reconnect
- Healing family patterns so they do not repeat
- Building chosen family and belonging
Questions people ask about estrangement
- Will you try to get me to reconcile?
- No. I do not have an agenda about whether you reconcile. For some people, reconnection brings healing. For others, distance is what makes healing possible. My job is to help you see clearly and choose freely, and to support you whichever way you go.
- My adult child will not speak to me. What can I do?
- First, your pain is real and you deserve support with it. In our work we can look at what you know and do not know about why the distance happened, try to understand your child's perspective as well as your own, and think carefully about whether and how to reach out. We cannot control another person's choices, but we can make sure your own actions come from your best self rather than from panic or hurt.
- I chose to go no contact. Why do I feel so much grief?
- Because you lost something important, even if the loss was necessary. You may be grieving the parent or family you hoped for as much as the one you had. Grief after a protective choice does not mean the choice was wrong. It means you cared.
- How do I get through the holidays?
- With some planning and a lot of self-compassion. We can work out in advance what you want to do, who you want to be with, how to answer questions, and how to take care of yourself when the absence feels loudest. The article on grief during the holidays may also help.
Wherever your family story stands
If distance in your family is weighing on you, you do not have to carry it alone. Text or email and we will find a time to talk. Telehealth only, by secure video or audio, for people physically located in California. Laurie, LMFT.