Grief support · losses others overlook
Therapy for disenfranchised grief
Some losses come with a funeral, casseroles and cards. Others come with silence. Grief researchers call this disenfranchised grief: grief that is not openly acknowledged, socially supported or publicly mourned. It is still grief, and it can be some of the loneliest grief there is. Here, your loss counts, whatever it was.
Telehealth only, by secure video or audio, for people physically located in California. Laurie, LMFT.
What this grief work looks like with me
The term was introduced by the grief scholar Kenneth Doka to describe losses that others do not recognize, or feel uncomfortable naming. People grieving these losses often hear some version of 'at least' or 'you should be over that', or nothing at all. Over time they may start to doubt their own right to grieve, and hide it even from themselves.
My first task is simple: to recognize your loss as real. Many people feel a wave of relief simply from hearing that what they are experiencing is grief, and that it makes sense. From there we give the grief room to be expressed, in words, writing, images or movement, and we look at what it is asking of you.
Disenfranchised grief is often about something hoped for as much as something lost. The children you wanted and never had. The partner you imagined growing old with. The family relationship that never became what it should have been. The career, health or identity that defined you. Grieving these hopes is not self-pity. It is an important part of honoring your own life, and of making room for new kinds of fulfillment.
The aim is not to talk you out of your grief or to rush you through it. It is to help you carry it with more peace, so that it becomes part of your story rather than a secret weight.
If it mattered to you, it is worth grieving.
Grief without witnesses is still grief.
Losses that are often overlooked
Childlessness not by choice
Many people assume they will raise children, and for many reasons it never happens. Honoring the depth of feeling this brings is an important act of self-love and healing.
Estrangement
A parent, child or sibling who is alive but absent from your life. Estrangement brings grief without an ending, often mixed with anger, relief and longing.
A life without a forever partner
Hoping for a lifelong partnership that has not come can leave an invisible ache that few people ask about. It deserves a place to be spoken.
An animal companion
Losing a beloved animal is one of the most commonly dismissed griefs, and one of the most profound. It has its own page here.
Health, career or identity
Grief for the body, work, role or community that once defined you. A diagnosis, a retirement or a forced change of path can bring a deep, quiet mourning.
A former partner, or a private relationship
When someone you once loved dies, or a relationship others did not know about ends, you may grieve with no one to tell.
How we would work
We start with a free 20-minute consult by phone, text or video. You can tell me about your loss in your own words, even if you are not sure it counts as grief, and I will tell you honestly whether I think I can help. There is no pressure in that call and no obligation afterward.
If we go ahead, sessions are by secure video or audio anywhere in California. Grief is my primary specialty, and I draw on what fits you: expressive arts for grief that has never had words, Internal Family Systems for the parts of you that have been told not to grieve, somatic work for sorrow held in the body, and my own Positive Re-Narrative and Repatterning to help you build a new relationship with your loss and your life.
- Grief for children you did not have
- Estrangement from family members
- The loss of a pet
- The death of a former partner or friend
- Loss of health, career, role or identity
- Grief for a dream or a life that did not happen
- Losses you have never told anyone about
Questions people ask about overlooked grief
- Is what I am feeling really grief?
- If you have lost something or someone that mattered to you, and you feel sorrow, longing, anger or emptiness about it, then yes, it is grief. Grief is not reserved for deaths that everyone recognizes. It is a response to love and loss of every kind.
- Why do I feel embarrassed about grieving this?
- Because the people around you may not have recognized your loss, and without that recognition it is easy to decide your feelings are excessive. That embarrassment is common, and it usually fades once your grief is witnessed by someone who takes it seriously.
- How can I grieve something that never happened?
- Hopes and imagined futures are real parts of our lives. When a hoped-for future does not arrive, we lose something important, even if it never existed in the outside world. Grieving it openly, rather than pushing it down, often frees energy for the life that is actually available to you.
- Will people ever understand?
- Some may, and some may not. Part of our work can be finding the people and places where your grief can be shared, and part can be learning to honor your loss even when others do not. You do not need anyone else's permission to grieve.
Your loss counts here
If you have been grieving something that no one else seems to see, please reach out. Text or email and we will find a time to talk. Telehealth only, by secure video or audio, for people physically located in California. Laurie, LMFT.