How to support someone who is grieving

Reach out. A short message, a card or a call is enough: 'I am so sorry. I have been thinking about you.' If you knew the person who died, share a memory or say their name. Many grieving people treasure these messages for years.

Offer help that is specific and easy to accept. Instead of 'let me know if you need anything', which puts the burden back on them, try 'I am dropping off dinner on Thursday, is that all right?' or 'I can pick up the kids after school this week.' Practical help with meals, errands, calls, pets and paperwork can be a real gift in the early days.

Simple and honest is best. Some words that often help:

Most painful comments come from a wish to make the grieving person feel better quickly. Unfortunately they tend to minimize the loss or rush the grief. Try to avoid:

If you share a faith with the person, words from that faith may comfort them, but let them lead. What comforts one person can feel dismissive to another, even within the same tradition.

Grieving people often want to talk about the one they lost, and find that others change the subject. Ask about them. Listen to the same stories more than once. Let there be tears, and do not rush to stop them. Equally, if they want to talk about something else entirely, or laugh, follow their lead. Grief includes joy and sorrow, and laughter does not mean they have forgotten.

Support tends to pour in during the first weeks and then fade, just as the full weight of the loss is settling in. Put reminders in your calendar: a message a month later, three months later, on the birthday, on the anniversary of the death, at the holidays. These later gestures often mean the most, precisely because they are rare.

Not every grief comes with a funeral. People grieve pets, pregnancies, estranged family members, former partners, careers, health and dreams that did not come true. These losses are often overlooked, which makes your acknowledgment even more valuable. If someone you love is grieving something others do not recognize, tell them it matters, because it does.

Grief is not a problem to be fixed, and many grieving people find their way with the support of family, friends and community. But some need more, especially after a sudden or traumatic death, or when grief is tangled with depression, isolation or old pain. If someone you love seems stuck, hopeless or unable to function for a long time, gently encourage them to talk with a grief therapist. And if they mention wanting to die or to harm themselves, take it seriously: call or text 988 together, or call 911 if they are in immediate danger.

Supporting someone through grief can be draining, especially if you are grieving as well. It is fine to have limits, to share the support with others, and to find support of your own.